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gummy eyes

We are dog-tired. Wake up every morning after a full quotient of sleep, red-eyed and lids gummed together. 

I wonder how much is down to being underneath the relief, confronted by what is to come, and then conclude that mostly the tiredness comes from letting go. 

That after you have held on to anything that tightly for that long, been so attached to an outcome that every little action is scrutinised for what it might mean for the future, spent most idle moments wondering what was to be done and how to do it, letting go of all that is like a loosening of everything. I can happily sit on my swing seat, smiling internally, staring at my plants without feeling a need to do anything, even read.  My necessity for distraction is at an all time low.  I count that a good thing.  I'd like to keep some of that in my new life.

We have been incredibly lucky with the support we have had.  A lovely (divorced) friend said to me that I would find out who my friends were at this time.  And I have.  It's all my friends.  Equally family.  I count myself excessively blessed that my mother in law says I am still her daughter in law.  We tease her to distraction, and she's been one of the undeserving few who took the brunt of my angst over the last few years, but I'd be very sad not to have that (and her!) in my life.

Meanwhile whilst I may have found some peace sitting on my swing seat, I am very busy at work on a couple of projects which are really inspiring me... just at the point I thought I had, after 17 years in the industry begun to bore myself with "been there done that".  I'm also living vicariously the histrionics of first time property purchase through two friends.  Oh and I am more in love with my daughter every day.

Life post decisions isn't all bad.  There's certainly a lot more peace.  But it is knackering.

2 Kommentare 1.7.08 11:03, Comment